


Tokophobia.

by Xbertyx



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, F/M, Phobias
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 12:46:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4667052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in an AU where Ciel and Lizzy get married. </p><p>I needed to get this off of my chest. Had three panic attacks while trying to write this but oh well, I had to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tokophobia.

 Come on Lizzy, smile, it’s your big day. It’s meant to be the best day of your life. It isn’t. Not at all. It’s not nice or cute or wonderful in any way. It’s an awful reminder of the terror of what is to come; childbirth and bearing children.

 I know that it is my duty to Ciel. I have always sworn to protect him, to make him smile. I must give him children; a way to carry on his family name and yet it terrifies me. It always has. I remember when I was younger; I never believed I would have children. I never wanted to. It just didn’t appeal to me. I was never one to play mommy’s and daddy’s; I had a strong aversion to such things. I could never see myself as a mother. Everyone would say that as I got older, I would become so eager to start a family. They were wrong.

 As I grew, the dislike for the idea turned into more of a fear. I remember running away from my mother, when she was carrying my brother, horror coursing through me. She had something growing inside of her and it made me feel sick. My parents would just laugh at me, saying that I was such a quirky child but that I would grow out of it.

 I didn’t. My teenage years were spent listening to conversations on bearing children, as my older cousins each got pregnant and started a family. Even listening to such things made me feel sick to my stomach. Even that word filled me with dread. It’s selfish really. I should have been happy for them- I was happy for them but I just couldn’t stand to hear anything about that topic. Hearing all the ins and outs of the process just filled me with revulsion.

 I don’t understand it. How could something so natural feel so alien to me? It just feels wrong. Something growing inside of me? No, it’s just not right. But then again, I’m obviously not right either. There is obviously something deeply wrong with me. I know I will have to eventually fall pregnant, for Ciel’s sake, though I do hope that I am found to be sterile. That I don’t have to worry after all, as my body cannot birth a child. How awful is that to think? I know how upset my parents would be for me if that were to happen but honestly, it would be wonderful.

 It’s constantly on my mind, that one day my body will be changed forever. It isn’t the fact that I will be unable to wear cute dresses and high heeled shoes for a few months, it’s more the fact that … that there will be something inside of me. THAT is the problem here. How can anyone want THAT? How can any woman want to put herself through THAT?

 Now I am left panicking, whenever anyone mentions starting a family or whenever I see an expecting mother. Because I know that THAT awful fate will soon befall me. I will soon be in THAT situation and … I don’t know how I will ever cope with it. It’s all just so nauseating to think about, let alone participate in. Maybe I won’t cope with it. Maybe I will finally lose my mind. I obviously am not very sane to begin with, to have such thoughts on something so natural. Isn’t that what we are put on this earth for? To reproduce? If only it was that easy for me.

 I must pull myself from such worries for the time being. It is time to say my wedding vows. It is time to seal my fate.


End file.
